The Insane Battle Between a Non Sentient Machine and Myself

                        Warning: I am deeply caffeine deprived.

I've been wracking my brain all morning to think of something to say about some of the books that I've been reading. It's been a few blogs since I've given a book review so I thought that it was high time to write another one out. The problem is that my downtime has consisted of rereading the Harry Potter series and seeing as that's pretty much a book you know everything about even if you haven't read it, a blog is kind of wasted on that. Then I thought I would go through my shelf and find something there to review, but all of my books seem uninspiring this morning. This is most likely due to my current lack of creative drive but I've been determined to power through this. As one of you lovely readers said, I need to punch this writers block in the face. So, sitting down with a cup of coffee, I decided to ponder my current predicament.

Before I continue, I must make one thing abundantly clear. I love coffee. Nothing is better than a perfect cup of coffee on a cold and early morning. I drink coffee after a work out because I love the feel of a relaxed body and a steaming mug. I have been known to take a shower before drinking coffee because I love that sense of utter relaxation. Coffee is always by me when I write and a good cup of coffee has helped me figure out numerous problems. Coffee and me are timeless.

Now, this morning I did my usual. I brewed a cup of coffee in hopes that this dark and rich nectar would help me through the writers block that I've been having over the past few weeks. But, sitting in my chair, holding my favorite panda mug between my hands, I took a sip of what should have been a rich robust blend with just a splash of cream, and instead got a mouth full of watered down swill that should be ashamed to even call itself a beverage.

This is how I got to this point.

A few weeks ago, my boyfriend lovingly decided to make me coffee one morning. I was just waking up, laying in bed and looking forward to that first cup, when I heard a crash. Somehow, he broke the pot. Believe me, it was an emotional day in this household that morning. I was caffeine deprived and he was guilt ridden.

We went out immediately to get a replacement carafe, thinking that something that says “universal coffee pot” would be universal and would fit inside my coffee machine.

It did not.

You know why? Because coffee is trying to break up with me.

Two days later, said boyfriend tried to get another universal coffee pot. A different brand from a different store that came with three adjustable lids. It still did not work with my coffee machine. Granted, my coffee machine was an old, twenty dollar Mr. Coffee but I naively thought that something that was only bought two years ago, wouldn't be this hard to find a replacement for. But, like I said, coffee was and is, trying to break up with me.

I didn't have time to deal with the coffee issues over the next week due to me working Valentines Day at a Flower Shop. I got my coffee on the go and ignored the empty space on my counter where my coffee machine should have been. But then, after the rush of Valentines was over and I had my first day off from the craziness, there seemed to be an end in sight. That proverbial light at the end of the tunnel had decided to shine. The boyfriend brought over his coffee machine and kindly offered that I could use it for the time being. I was overjoyed. He fixed me a cup that morning and either I was so tired that I thought it was the most amazing thing I've ever tasted, or the boyfriend is secretly a coffee magician (he's not). Either way, I thought, finally, the curse is broken.

Later that day I went to brew myself a cup though and realized that his coffee machine is a little hussy that loves no one but him.

The machine in question

I cleaned and shined up this poor girl like none other. I washed the entire machine, inside and out, ran hot water and vinegar cycles through it a few times, and generally, made it look like a coffee machine as opposed to a worn out piece of metal that lived in a house where cleaning out the coffee pot is a novel idea. But the thing still doesn't like me.

It's been a week. This thing yells at me every time I try to use it, it produces watered down, slightly coffee flavored swill for me to consume, and no matter how many scoops I put in it, it somehow comes out tasting like dirty bath water. I have tried sweet talking her. I have tried calling her every name in the book. The thing hates me. At some point, it declared war against me and decided to ruin all at home coffee experiences I ever wanted. I don't know what the hell I've done to it. I wasn't the one who took it outside of its home to put it in a tiny apartment with three cats. That was its beloved owner. But, no no, the thing is going to take its neglect and abandonment issues out on me instead. It sits on my counter, mockingly, screeching out loudly every time I touch it, yet, it purrs for the boyfriend, cuddling up to him like a metal plated cat of some sort. I think it's trying to replace me.

This morning, the boyfriend made a pot of coffee. It tasted perfect. I made a pot about an hour after he left and the little hussy vomited up some bile for me to consume and then laughed at my pain as I cursed and maybe even threatened for a good ten minutes or so.

Needless to say, this bitch is going to be replaced. She's going back to the boyfriend and they can live happily together in sin.

So, all you coffee drinkers out there, I'm looking for a new machine that doesn't exceed a hundred dollars. Suggestions? I want the other woman out of my house sooner rather than later. Also, I want to find this coffee shop.

Seriously, where is this?

Pinterest Madness

Coffee Body Love

Let's face it. If you manage to figure out what Pinterest is all about, you've probably fallen into the time sucking cult of that site and find yourself looking at “pretty pictures” when you should be doing something more productive like cleaning your house. Granted, you've also probably tried to tell yourself that looking at pictures of environmentally friendly ways to clean your house counts and productivity but you've probably also never made said items. If you're like me, you've discovered board after board of 'how to get fit' or 'healthy meals' or 'home friendly cleaning products' and you've tried to figure out how someone can pin hundreds of these things and expect to actually do them. Now, my boards don't really consist of these things (I have a little cooking bored but that's about it) but today, when I was perusing the Pinterest cult, I was a bit overwhelmed. After all, how the hell are we supposed to know if these things work? I mean, when a picture tells me I can loose ten pounds in just a month by doing a certain list of exercises, it seems way too good to be true. No, I prefer to spend my time clicking on pictures of Misha Collins and John Barrowman doing the tango.

But, out of sheer boredom today, I did decide to try a Pinterest pin. I must admit that the only reason I tried it probably had to do with the fact that coffee was the main ingredient. This said experiment is a full on body scrub. Using coffee grounds, sugar, olive oil and vitamin E, this scrub is said to fight cellulite (I know I don't have it but one day I will!) and get rid of dry skin. Like I said, coffee was involved. It was too tempting not to give it a try.

I luckily had all the main ingredients in my kitchen and so I whipped it up in a bowl and got in the shower. I used standard white sugar (though you can use brown), olive oil and some Folgers Coffee grounds because rubbing that coffee on your body is about the only thing that brand of coffee is good for. I did substitute the vitamin E capsules for actual vitamin E oil that I got from Trader Joes.

I scrubbed the entire contents of this all over my body, rinsed it off, and then lightly washed the remaining bit of it with my own body wash just in case there was sugar or grounds still lingering. The end result? Silky smooth skin and the ever present scent of coffee.

I'm serious. This for some reason works. My hands and arms haven't felt this good since the start of summer. No matter how much sunscreen I use, or how many times I put on an organic moisturizer that is said to keep your body moisturized for the entire day, my skin rejects it. I either feel greasy or feel as if I am having to reapply every few hours. And I know, I know. Certain store bought brands have agents in them that will dry out your skin to make you keep using them and bla bla bla. I know this. I'm aware of this, and I don't buy those products. I just have a tendency of getting dull looking skin way to easily. So far, however, this coffee scrub has worked wonders. I'm completely pleased with it. So pleased in fact, that my previous bad mood has somehow turned into something much nicer. I'm going to say that has to do with the lingering scent of coffee, though. I don't think this body scrub is an endorphin scrub for anyone but coffee obsessed souls like me.

Have I mentioned how much I love coffee.

The downside? You need to have a good shower drain. You are washing away ¼ cups of coffee and ¼ cups of sugar down that drain. Make sure you either have draino on hand, or you have a high pressured shower. Also, if you're like me and live in a place where sugar ants come crawling out of the woodwork to feast on the slightest drop of sweetness, make sure to rinse well.

Anyway, my first Pinterest try out was a success. Definitely give it a go. Here is the original blog that goes into detail how to make it and also gives a lemon scrub if you are not a coffee fan like me. Go give her some love.

http://www.stylecraze.com/articles/2-simple-diy-body-scrubs-for-gorgeous-glowing-skin/

If anyone has anything else that they've wanted to try that they've found on Pinterest, but doesn't have the time for the experiment, send it my way. Happy Pinning everyone. Don't forget to like me on Facebook or follow me on Google plus.